Diamonds to Love

No one taught me to love myself and I still struggle to believe that I am beautiful sometimes but there's no harm in trying to be fearless even if ironically, it scares me.

It is a chaos in my mind and when the night comes, and I am alone.
I am enveloped again in the darkness from the night and the voices in my head seem to get louder as acquaintance retreats,
or maybe, 
I am the one that does, unknowingly.

Before dawn comes, after the day ends,
2AM,
The screams inside deep in my mind seem the loudest and I am afraid.

Afraid that I would one day succumb and give in.

The voices tell me How I am a Screw Up from a to z.

And to clarify , being a screw up and screwing up are two completely different things.

But then dawn comes, then I realise that the realms of Night that frighten me only do if I allow them so.
And the deadly, suffocating whispers that I am a mistake,
The screams of me never being able to surface this drowning depression and suffers.

So many times I've bumped into people,
Giving me blessings and prayers,
Compliments that I do not know to translate into lies or just accept as they are.
Because most of them never stayed.
That people leave because I am just not worth it.
Otherwise, I do.

Genuine care is reciprocal to effort,
Not out of reach from your ability,
A phone call, a text, a gift or even just a smile.
I've always reached out,
And it either screws up or ends up unwell.
Hurt people, hurt people,
Sometimes they intoxicate as well.
I've always wondered, does trying already seem futile?
Believing maybe, I am just not worthwhile.

Of course there are a few that try to say they do.
Some of you reading this may even call me a hypocrite,
If so, please do.
I am flawed just like all of you.

But now,
I am not afraid to be bold,
Because I am told,
No one will love me truly unless I do so first on my own.

A diamond cannot shine without going through cutting, scraping.
If dirt is left unscathed.
Find your way through the cutting.

Endure.

You are a diamond, you will shine,
But first you must know that you are.

♫ Try - Colbie Caillat