Diamonds to Love

No one taught me to love myself and I still struggle to believe that I am beautiful sometimes but there's no harm in trying to be fearless even if ironically, it scares me.

It is a chaos in my mind and when the night comes, and I am alone.
I am enveloped again in the darkness from the night and the voices in my head seem to get louder as acquaintance retreats,
or maybe, 
I am the one that does, unknowingly.

Before dawn comes, after the day ends,
2AM,
The screams inside deep in my mind seem the loudest and I am afraid.

Afraid that I would one day succumb and give in.

The voices tell me How I am a Screw Up from a to z.

And to clarify , being a screw up and screwing up are two completely different things.

But then dawn comes, then I realise that the realms of Night that frighten me only do if I allow them so.
And the deadly, suffocating whispers that I am a mistake,
The screams of me never being able to surface this drowning depression and suffers.

So many times I've bumped into people,
Giving me blessings and prayers,
Compliments that I do not know to translate into lies or just accept as they are.
Because most of them never stayed.
That people leave because I am just not worth it.
Otherwise, I do.

Genuine care is reciprocal to effort,
Not out of reach from your ability,
A phone call, a text, a gift or even just a smile.
I've always reached out,
And it either screws up or ends up unwell.
Hurt people, hurt people,
Sometimes they intoxicate as well.
I've always wondered, does trying already seem futile?
Believing maybe, I am just not worthwhile.

Of course there are a few that try to say they do.
Some of you reading this may even call me a hypocrite,
If so, please do.
I am flawed just like all of you.

But now,
I am not afraid to be bold,
Because I am told,
No one will love me truly unless I do so first on my own.

A diamond cannot shine without going through cutting, scraping.
If dirt is left unscathed.
Find your way through the cutting.

Endure.

You are a diamond, you will shine,
But first you must know that you are.

♫ Try - Colbie Caillat

Truth

Liar, liar,
You made me her,
Hands controlled by the emotions she felt inside my skull,
The movement of your lips, so easily wild,
With desire that lighted up our dancing tongues.

Liar, liar,
Such a magnificent man, 

But so torn apart between the man you can be, with what you are dwelling

Liar, liar,
So selfish,
Holding on all pain to yourself,
Letting no one in your enclosed heart.

Gratified from what you lust and wist,
But blessed with no more than what you sincerely give,
You said you decide who your heart be entrusted,
Longing to be loved, yet do not love so, thyself,

Liar, liar,
You said you don't trust,
The only words that I believed,
Because no one could with you,
Who could?
Your truth is dust.

Liar, liar,
I long for your touch,
Beneath those sins covered , is a heart,
Against my skin, it beats, fragile and thin,
That I know if broke open, would drip love like Gold,
The lesson I've learnt, preciously untold,
beneath your eyes,
And your foolish lies.


♫ Give me Love - Ed Sheeran

Don't judge me!

Too bad.  We all judge. Rack through your brains and Look through the 50,000 thoughts you have running through each day. Even if it is a positive one like "oh, she's pretty long legs" "he's smart" and so on.

Through time, I actually just only started to really see and believe that judgments actually serve a great purpose in communication.

It is not invalid, but neither should it be grasped onto fully 100%. Because guess what, NO ONE is perfect!

What someone says is merely drawn based on his/her experience and IF used purposefully, can actually be a great contributor to someone's personal growth.

So speak your mind!
Just be who you are. Even if you are unpleasant, you are not responsible for how I feel , because I am bound to encounter a similar situation, where I will be broiled in the wrath of another monster of the similar sort. 😄

Your emotions are YOURS. Feeling angry, sad or hurt is alright sometimes. But always remember not to give power to the situation control over how you feel.

The person that said something to you obviously cared about you enough to make a statement, good or bad. Your value is not equal to someone's treatment to you, so don't stop loving and giving because the secret to life, is love.

X

♫ Kiss Me - Ed Sheeran

Reflections

What do you see,

Walking in a crowded street full of strangers,

Alone, as I walk.

I see a man, holding his son's hand like a string of hope,

to the future of a man he is going to become,

with the life he is giving unto him.

I also see, a pair of wrinkling eyes lighting up each time you laugh,

Boy, do you know how loved you are?

I see a woman, swinging a lighter out of her pocket,

Lighting up a cigarette, 

Puff after puff, a heavier and deeper one each time,

eyebrows creased,

Lighting up a fire her lungs,

Because it failed to exist in her heart.

A couple stroll by, fingers interlocked, fit to look just exactly the size of a heart,

Looking into each other's eyes as they walk,

Whether her heart be beloved or have a happy ever after,

He chooses to be here because in this present moment,

Because of who you are with him, and who you can be with him.

Or is it something simpler? I don't know.

But he will do you good, as a blessing, if not, a lesson

And you continue walking.

I see all walks of life in notions to bring happiness,

Sometimes through sadness,

I see a mirror, 

each step I take, 

each glance I steal,

hastier and faster than the last,

I breathe hard and scream on the inside,

And it hurts but I feel

alive.

♫ Photograph - Ed Sheeran